Congraduation
I’m fighting as hard as I can to not just break down and weep until I dry up. I’ve known for a while that I can’t have what I want in this situation for so many reasons. I know the biggest one is that I am so fucking discouraged, but I can’t find a way to feel like I actually even know what I think I know. The way it’s been going she is digging for any escape. I’m so jealous of him even though I have no right to be, and the fact that she ever even temporarily entertained the thought that I only put up with her for sex destroys me. I’m both glad and terrified that she specified that she wanted to keep her most recent visit g-rated. Between feeling like graduating just means I am directionless again, having to face the fact that if I do get my degree I’ve got no goals again, and all the things I keep overthinking about her I’m fighting the urge to feel like I’m drowning. Why is it the only way I could fight back the hurt and fear is rage? Where’s that sense that things are going to be okay someday? I know I had it somewhere.
